“Good afternoon. I’m Joe Squawker. And welcome to the first annual healthcare face-off, pitting the Democrats against the dreaded Republicans. I’m joined in the booth today by my good friend and colleague, Dan Blather.”
“Thanks Joe, and yes, what an event we have for you today. On one side, the fact-challenged, emotional wet leftist blankets, the Democrats, lead, of course by the President of these United States, President Puff Huffnagle…”
“That’s right Dan, and on the conservative right, the Evil Empire of the known political world, the cold-hearted, emotionally-devoid and overly fact-laden Republicans, aptly lead by their leader Darth Vader!”
“Joe, I’m expecting a real knock down, drag out event here today…. Shhhh…. Here they come… taking their seats now… lots of smiles… evil intent showing on the Republicans… doe-eyed innocence on the faces of the Democrats... Okay, there’s President Huffnagle taking his seat…. We’re about to begin.”
“That’s right Dan… Jeez, I get a tingle running up and down my leg every time I hear the President speak…”
“Shhh…. The President’s about to begin…”
“Good afternoon. I’m glad all of you could make it today. As you know, we’re here to see if we can find common ground, to seek agreement, shared responsibility, bipartisanship, in short, a win-win situation, for the American people so that we can reduce the cost of run away healthcare spending and finally, provide decent, reliable healthcare coverage for all...”
“Dan, I’m feeling that tingle…”
“Me too Joe, me too! What an orator…”
“And without his teleprompter…”
“Yeah, he’s definitely brought his A game today…”
“…So even though we come from different ends of the political spectrum, I’m confident that with honesty and clarity of thought, we will achieve bipartisanship and reveal to the American people what’s truly in our hearts, a new and better America for all. Now, with that in mind, I’d like to turn the floor over to the Democratic senator from New York, Senator Whiner.”
“Thank you Mr. President. I’d like to read aloud to you a letter from one of my constituents that I feel, best describes the plight of so many Americans these days, a letter from Stumpy Owens.
Dear Sir,
I’m writing to you as you are now my last best hope. My twin brother served in Iraq, in a bomb disposal unit, until an IED exploded, blowing away his leg. After his discharge, he couldn’t deal with living back in normal society. That and dealing with his prosthetic leg…”
“Joe, a great opening… really plucking the ole’ emotional heart strings.”
“Yeah Dan, and the subtle references to ‘The Hurt Locker’ are very timely too.”
“…so he returned to Iraq, to his old unit, until it happened again. Another IED exploded and this time, blew away his arm. He was fitted with an artificial arm and shipped back to the states. But, he just couldn’t cope, particularly since his newly acquired prosthetic limbs, both on his right side, were never weighted properly. See, they were way too heavy, causing my brother to constantly walk in circles. Day after day, round and round he’d go, never reaching the mailbox at the end of his driveway instead, carving a perfect circle in the front yard, a perfect little NASCAR track. Then one night, he took off his artificial arm and leg, left them by the door, and hopped away, in a straight line. Nobody’s knows whatever happened to him. But we did find a note in that mailbox. He’d made it. He was free.
I carried on as best I could until one day, my arm and leg were torn away in a freak accident with a blender. I spent months recovering only to have my insurance company deny me coverage for my own set of artificial limbs. To this day, I’ve been using my brothers. But they’re not fitted properly and I have a difficult time using them. See, I’m four feet one. My brother had Marfan Syndrome and grew to be six foot six. I can’t take this situation anymore, constantly dragging these heavy prosthetic appendages around - in circles - all day long. Although, the longer reach does sometimes help when I’m shopping. But, be that as it may, I can no longer live like this. I’m putting the barrel of my forty-five into my mouth. Now I’mf going thue pull the twigger… BLAM!’
“Joe, what an opening! The raw emotion!”
“Yeah Dan, there’s not a dry eye on the Democratic side. Why, even the President’s balling like a sissy little school girl.”
“The Republicans seem to be unmoved, Joe. They’re just sitting there with their mouths wide open, all except Senator Darth Vader.”
“Yeah Dan, it’s tough to tell what his reaction is, I mean with that mask on who really knows.”
“Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, Mr. President, I would like to share a story of my own.”
“Sniffle, sniffle, yes Senator Vader, you have the floor.”
“Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, Mr. President, please call me Darth.”
“Sniffle, sniffle, Darth it is. Sniffle, sniffle…”
“Thank you Mr. President. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a true story of a healthcare success, based on the overwhelming power of capitalism and the free markets we have unleashed in the Empire. See, one day I found myself in mortal combat with my son, Luke; a very powerful Jedi in his own right. Luke, you see was always an obstinate lad, never listening to his father. I was trying to convince him to join me, to embrace the dark side. But Luke was Luke. We fought inside a power plant; sparks flying from our light sabers as they crashed into each other. Then, I saw my opening when after executing a perfect In Quartata, I executed a deadly Ballestra, cleaning sliced off his left hand. I watched as he tumbled off that cat walk, his severed hand tumbling after him like a sparrow chasing a hawk in a deadly death dive…”
“Dan, I just love it when Darth Vader waxes poetic.”
“Yeah Joe - me too. And his command of fencing terminology is really quite extraordinary! It’s a side we rarely see.”
“Darth?”
“Yes Mr. President.”
“You actually cut off your own son’s hand?”
“Mr. President, ah, my light saber slipped.”
“Uh huh…”
“May I continue?”
“Yes, by all means.”
“Thank you Mr. President….Where was I? Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh… Oh yes. But Luke survived. And he was able to get a new replacement hand, based on our Nano technology and the power of the Midichloines. A hand better than the one he had before; all because he was able to afford inexpensive healthcare insurance. And we all know what being a Jedi pays these days… He was able to do this because we had unleashed the supreme power of capitalism and the free markets. Some time ago we deregulated our healthcare insurance industry. We allowed our slaves, uh, citizens of the Empire to purchase healthcare insurance beyond their own planets. We encouraged our slaves, uh, citizens to band together into healthcare cooperatives to negotiate the lowest prices possible. We enacted tort reform by limiting medical malpractice awards and implemented a loser pays system, the penalty for a frivolous lawsuit being death. And we required all insurance companies to accept everyone, regardless of any pre existing conditions. And as a result of our setting loose the dogs of the free market, everyone now has insurance, and malpractice suits have virtually disappeared. Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, Thank you Mr. President.”
“Joe. See? There you go; a powerful argument for a free market approach.”
“Yes Dan. I agree. The rest of the Republicans are smiling proudly.
“Okay… thank you Darth. Is the representative from San Diego ready? Ms. Peroxide?”
“Giggle, giggle, um, yes Mr. President.”
“You have the floor.”
“Um, cool, um, yeah, I’m Winsome Peroxide from San Diego and um, I want to share my own personal, um, and tragic healthcare experience. Um, this is also a true story, fer sure…
You see, um, I have, um, um, a bladder control problem… I know! Total bummer right? Um, anyway, my mother had the same problem and when she died, um, well, um, I found out that my insurance wouldn’t cover my Depends. They said it was a pre existing condition. Um, so I’ve been washing and reusing my mother’s ever since… Not cool! Fer sure! You might say I’ve become co Dependent! Giggle, giggle…”
“Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, Ms. Peroxide, why don’t you simply enroll in our congressional healthcare plan? It’s understandably much better than anything for the great unwashed, the general public, since we are the recognized leaders of the free world.”
“Um, giggle, can I do that? I mean, no fooling? Um, washing those Depends is a total bummer! Giggle, giggle.”
“Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, Twit!”
“Darth, let’s stay focused on why we’re here. The campaign’s over, so no more Republican talking points!”
“Sorry Mr. President.”
“Well Dan, there you have it. The President’s jumping ugly with Darth Vader!”
“Yeah Joe, I guess the force wasn’t with him on that one…”
“What did you think of the representative for San Diego’s tragic tale of woe?”
“Well Joe, I guess that depends…”
“Twit!”
“Representative Renfield, I believe you wanted to discuss the cost of this bill. Correct?”
“He-he, he-he, yessss, that’s correct Mr. President. He-he, he-he”
“Mr. Renfield, I just admonished your counterpart, Darth Vader for his use of Republican talking points. Must I admonish you for bringing in that huge stack of papers? It’s merely cheap stage craft.”
“He-he, he-he, Mr. President, this is the Democratic healthcare bill… he-he, he, he-he”
“Oh… Mr. Renfield, I can’t see you behind that mountain of paper. Show your self.”
“He, he-he, Should I peer around the side? Like this Mr. President? He-he”
“Ah, yes, there you are and your beady rat-like eyes. Very good, now what was it you wanted to talk about.”
“Mr. President, he-he, he-he, I’m concerned about the cost of this bill. He-he-he, I don’t think we can afford another trillion dollars given the projected size of the deficit. He he-he”
“What’s another trillion among friends? Besides, I inherited the worst financial situation since the great depression!”
“Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, Oh brother, here we go again…”
“He, he, he-he, But Mr. President, ten years of taxes to pay for only six years of coverage just doesn’t add up. And the taxes begin immediately. He-he, he-he.”
“New math Mr. Renfield, new math…”
“Pow! I’d have to give that one to Puffy. Wouldn’t you Joe?”
“I certainly would. New math, that’s a good one.”
“Mr. Renfield.”
“Yes Mr. President. He-he-he, he”
“Would you please do something about your glasses? Your constant pushing them back up is beginning to give me a headache.”
“He-he, he-he, Mr. President, what would you have me do. He he-he”
“Try placing a Breath Right across the bridge of your nose. That’ll keep your glasses from sliding down.”
“Yes! He-he, he-he, yes! That would do it. He he-he. Thank you Mr. President!”
“There you have it folks. The first real break though, a bipartisan break through! What do you think about that Joe?”
“I see the beginnings of a real foundation here. Yes sir, a real foundation…”
“Da, Comrade President, I vould like to go next.”
“Yes Karl, you may. All of you know Karl Max, the Democratic representative from Northern California, right. Good. Karl, the floor is yours.”
“Da, thank you comrade President. Fellow members of de Politburo, I vish to discuss a single payer system; like ve had in da old Soviet empire.”
“Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, No, capitalism is the only way to proceed. Let the free markets rule as we have done in the Empire! Why, through capitalism we’ve saved enough to begin rebuilding our Death Star!”
“Nein, nein, nein!”
“Yes, Republican representative Hitler?”
“Mien Fuher, ah, Mr. President, vi do vee vant to do tis? A communist single payer system has alveady been tried. It failed.”
“Da, it did not fail. Vee have learned.”
“Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, Comrade, it failed. Get over it!”
“Now hold on there Darth. Remember, the C-Span cameras are here.”
“Aw, I don’t think the President should have said that Joe.”
“How’s that Dan.”
“Well, I thought the President wanted put a face on Republican obstructionism.”
“I think old Puffy’s changed his tactic. I think he’s actually going for bipartisanship.”
“Hmm, you could be right.”
“Mien Fuhrer, ah Mr. President, may I vecommend a solution. Zee major problem is zat zee Left and Right disagree on a political philosophy. Ja, I propose vone that takes zee best of communism and capitalism, one that vill satisfy everyone.”
“Yes Representative Hitler, by all means tell us your solution.”
“Mien Fuhrer, Fascism!”
“Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, Fascism! Are you crazy?”
“Nein, vit’s not socialism and vat has been da major concern among you capitalists. Alvays worried vee’d turn into da Faderland. You Democrats on da left, and you Vepublicans on da vight. You know noding. Let me break out my interrogation lamp and shine a light on da ignorant minds. Most intellectuals consider Fascism to be on zee far vight of zee traditional left-vight political spectrum. Some intellectuals, however, argue dat Fascism has been influenced by both zee left and zee right — incorporating ideas from revolutionary syndicalists and proponents of vorkers' interests on zee left, and ideas of conversatives and opponents of class conflict on zee vight. You dunkoffs get the best of both vorlds.”
“Representative Hitler, where did you learn that?”
“Mien Fuhrer, from my book I vrote vile in prison. It is much better den zee stupid Communist Manisfesto or da silly Declaration of Invependence.”
“But Adolf, Fascism? That word has such a negative connotation.”
“Mien Fuhrer, you have already taken zee first steps by controlling zee automobile and finacial industries, just as I did. Mein Fuhrer, I am impressed.”
“We didn’t take them over. We’re merely working with them, as a team”
“Ja, just as I did vid Mercedes Benz, ja very goud. Ja, Fascism is zee answer.”
“Gentlemen, it sounds to me like we have a break through! But we can’t call it Fascism. No, the American public will never accept that term.”
“Mien Fuhrer, vee call it social-capitalism.”
“Yes, yes, that’s not exactly the definition I’d use. But, what the hell, we’re all closet progressives anyway, we’ll simply use the language of the masses… and ban all teaching of the actual definition of social-capitalism from our schools. We’ll also need to change the definition on Wikipedia. Yes, Fascism, uh, I mean social-capitalism is the way to go.”
“Da comrade President, but vee vill need to silence da Glenn Beck.”
“Already have a plan. We’ll simply take over, I mean work with all the major media. I mean they’re in financial trouble too. Why just look at CBS, ABC and the New York Times.”
“Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, Ah, Mr. President, we Republicans have a problem with this veccomdation, as my good friend Adolf would say.”
“What is it Darth?”
“Sir, we Republicans can’t be seen as supportive. No, the public still believes that we’re conservative; you know, Ronald Reagan and all that kind of stuff.”
“Da comrade Darth, you let da kat out of dee bag when you vouldn’t even support your comrade from Kentucky, who merely vanted to enforce comrade President’s Pay-As-Vou-Go rule.”
“Da, I mean yes, I never should have signed that. I mean really, who ever believed we’d actually do that anyway? PayAs-You-Go, what a bunch of hokum.”
“Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, None the less Mr. President, in order for us to regain our credibility, we must come out against your healthcare plan, even though we secretly support it, and the Fascist direction Herr Hitler vecommends. As you said, we’re all closet progressives.”
“Hmmm, okay, we’ll use Reconciliation. Agreed?”
“Da.”
“Ja.”
“You betch-ya! Thank you Mr. President. Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, But what about the details of your Fascist healthcare plan?”
“You mean my social-capitalistic healthcare plan. Look Darth, if we can agree on a political philosophy then it easily follows that we can seek an answer using that same philosophy. You and your boys just continue to pretend to disagree. I’ll handle the rest and soon the public will forget all about your little faux pas in not supporting your conservative brother from Kentucky.”
“Da comrade President, I agree.”
“Woooooosh, wishhhhh, wooooosh, wishhhhh, Me too, squeezy peasy, fresh and easy…”
“There you have it! A bipartisan break through! Joe, I can’t believe it!”
“Me either Dan, here I thought this was going to be nothing but a political stunt; something to sway public opinion to the Democratic side!”
“That’s right. But instead, we’re now going to have a new political ideology! A prefect win-win situation, if I do say so myself. The President has got to be feeling proud.”
“Yeah, and now that we’re all one party, I’m sure a unified version of healthcare can’t be far behind.”
“Long live bipartisanship!”
“Mien Fuhrer, zee C-Span cameras are still vunning. Zee public has seen everyding!”
“Crap! I wish I’d never made that campaign promise…”
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