Chapter 28
The next morning we take the red trolley from our hotel to the downtown convention center where we hop off and stare at the monstrosity of a building with its canopy-type design making the entire convention center look like a cross between Disney Land’s Matterhorn ride and a giant pup tent.
We head inside the Little Peoples Association of America convention and immediately walk over to the VIP pass table where we stand before a young lady, a dwarf, as she rifles through her box of preprinted passes.
“Oh, so you’re Parc Attola. Well, I’ve been dying to see just how big a jerk you really are,” she says to me, with a smile, as she hands Rob his white pass first and then hands me mine.
“Hey, why’s it red and the rest are white?” I ask.
“Oh that? That’s nothing. The printer must’ve run out of white paper,” she answers.
Oh really, I think, as I clip this “Red Badge of Courage” to my shirt and head on in.
We wander around for a bit, checking out all the products geared to the small of stature crowd, foot stools, gas pedal extensions, easy reach devices and so forth. As I’m curiosity shopping, I suddenly hear my name.
“Parc, hey Parc!”
So I turn around and remember to look down and there, staring back at me is the same cute girl who accosted me for sex after the “Rush Limbaugh Show.” “Oh jeez,” I sigh, when I finally do recognize her.
“I’m Michelle. Remember me? Well, how could you forget? So Parc, you ready to take me up on my offer?”
“No! Didn’t I already tell you that I’m a happily married man?”
“So what! I won’t tell.”
“Yeah, and I won’t tell either,” Rob adds, smiling like a cat playfully ignoring a mouse right before it pounces.
“That’s not the problem. I’d have to live with it and I’ve already got enough guilt to stress over.”
“God, you’re such a pussy,” she bursts out, and quickly turns and walks away.
“Hey, what about me?” Rob yells after her. ”I’m single.”
But we watch her as she goes, talking to all her friends and pointing me out, occasionally flipping me the finger, as she soon fades into the mass of little people, Rob hot on her trail. Man, I feel like I’m on stage, and I want to get off!
“Parc,” I suddenly hear again.
“What now!” I scream, thinking that she’s returned, like the proverbial bad penny. But as I turn around I hear the now famous words I’ve heard so many times before.
“God Damn-it, I’m not a movie star. I’m an ac-tour.”
It’s Pacito and am I ever happy to see him. I guess I think he’ll provide me with some protection. That’s my hope anyway.
“How you doing old buddy?” Pacito begins all smile and teeth.
“Not bad.”
“How was your flight?”
“Same as always, not enough leg room…”
“That’s great!” Pacito exclaims, never hearing a word I say. ”Listen, we better head over to conference room seven, we’re on in fifteen minutes,” Pacito continues.
“What’s the topic?” I ask.
“Ah, something about racism in the media. Don’t worry, it’ll be great,” Pacito tries to reassure me, as we enter the large conference room and make our way to the head table.
After some brief introductions, I’m led to my seat. As I sit down I again notice the bright red name tag indicating my spot while all the others are plain white with black lettering.
Then the moderator walks to the center podium and begins the session.
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen of the LPAA. We’re delighted to conduct this panel discussion today on the topic of racism in the media. At this point I’d like to introduce our guests. Starting from right to left we have Dr. Little, the Disney channel star Mini Smalls, the Reverend Tony Sprite…”
I look down at my sweaty hands as the moderator continues.
“Next to him we have the famous movie star, Pacito Jones…”
“Psst, that’s ac-tour you numb nuts,” Pacito whispers back to the moderator.
“Ah, sorry, that’s movie ac-tour Pacito Jones and finally the novelist of ill repute, Parc Attola.”
“Great, what an introduction,” I whisper to Pacito, as a chorus of boos rains down upon me.
“Now, now, settle down people,” Pacito begins. ”I’m here in defense of Mr. Attola who I believe’s gotten a bum rap.”
More boos bombard us.
“Hey Parc, why don’t you go home!” someone shouts.
“Yeah, go home you racist,” another continues.
“Why’d we even invite the Nazi writer?” I hear. I turn to Pacito and meet his confident eyes as he smiles and nods his head in reassurance. But I see the crowd begin to move toward the stage, anger in their eyes.
“Hey, let’s string him up!”
“Yeah, a little vigilante justice, just like in the old west!”
“Someone get a ladder so we can reach his pencil neck!”
Sorry, but I caught myself smiling at that one.
“Look! He thinks it’s funny! Let’s get him!”
Suddenly the crowd rushes the stage, stopping at the edge, trying to hop up. But all I see are little clenched fists being pumped into the air.
“People! People!” Pacito sreams. ”Can we have some peace? People! People!”
Then I feel something hit me square in the chest and see red drops all over my white shirt, which I bought special for this occasion too.
“Pacito! I’m hit. I’m hit!” I hear myself screaming. ”Oh God, I think I’m going into shock!”
“It’s a tomato,” Pacito says over his shoulder to me. ”God, what a pussy! People, settle down!”
Another tomato comes whizzing at me. But I take cover beneath the table as more rotten fruit are hurled my way.
“In coming!” Pacito yells, and drops beneath the table with me.
We stare into each others wide eyes.
“Jesus Christ, I’ve had enough of this nonsense,” Pacito finally says to me before he crawls from beneath our refuge and climbs up onto it as more projectiles, this time rotten vegetables, comes flying at him.
“People! God Damn-it!”
Splat!
I peer from beneath the table and see Pacito wiping his face from where it’d just been hit with a rotten cabbage.
Then, just as quickly as this melee began, it ends, as stunned silence and embarrassment fills the room.
Finally, Pacito sighs deeply into his microphone and shakes his head, showing his disgust with the audience.
“Now listen fellow dwarfs,” Pacito continues, “this is still America. Why where’d we be if artists weren’t allowed to freely, and I mean freely, express them selves. I’ll tell you where we’d be. We’d be in Nazi Germany where books were banned and artists hanged. So, if we string up Parc we must be in Nazi Germany. But that’d be illogical. We all know that we’re in America, and since we are able to openly express our opinions this must be logical. It’s all simple logic my little friends.”
Leave it to Pacito to take the long way around the barn, I think, as I roll my eyes hearing his logic. But the audience, still stunned that they beaned one of their own, finally begins to settle down.
“Now please, everyone just sit down,” Pacito continues.
Finally, after everyone’s returned to their seat, Pacito begins to address the audience again.
“Now listen people, I’ve come to know Mr. Attola and you’ve got it all wrong. Your selective indignation’s misplaced,” Pacito begins, looking over his shoulder and smiling at me, proud of his use of the term “selective indignation.”
“But he disrespected us on the ‘Tonight Show’.”
“Yeah!”
“People, how come you didn’t get angry with Rock Studstones?”
“Because he’s a movie star!”
“Yes he is,” Pacito says, not bothering to convey the title ‘ac-tour’ upon his brother action hero. ”Now don’t you think that’s unfair?”
“No! Well maybe,” Michelle, my would-be sex buddy says, smiling at me again; coming out of no where with Rob right behind her.
“Maybe! I’d say definitely,” Pacito continues, as the audience finally becomes quiet and respectful.
“Look at it this way my friends. Mr. Attola’s brought renewed attention to our plight. Why we couldn’t have paid for better publicity. I think we owe him a big thanks for all that he’s done.”
I peer over the table and see nodding heads. Pacito’s actually making progress.
“Remember, all of us are created in God’s image and let’s not forget what Dr. King taught us; to judge a person by their color and not their…”
“Psst, Pacito, you’ve got it backwards,” I whisper.
“Ah, right, to judge a person by the content of their character and not by their color or stature.”
Slight applause begins.
“So people, I say embrace what Mr. Attola’s done.”
More applause.
“Cause he’s brought all of us closer together…”
The applause gets even louder.
“and made us stronger…”
I see people stand and begin to yell.
“so that we can challenge the status quo and earn what is rightfully ours! Remember, a house divided cannot endure!”
At that the audience goes berserk. Pacito’s done it. He’s cleared the air for me. Smiling at Pacito’s ability to quote, sort of, Dr. King and Abraham Lincoln, I finally stand up from behind the table and am greeted with thunderous applause. I can’t believe it.
Afterward I stand around and sign a few autographs.
“How’d you like me to sign this?” I ask one smiling fan.
“From the biggest jerk in all the universe.”
Well, at least they’re not throwing tomatoes at me any more.
After the conference Pacito and I are the toast of the convention. We walk around greeting all our, uh, Pacito’s fans, sign a few more autographs and generally have a good time.
As we’re celebrating our new found understanding, I feel someone tugging on my shirt sleeve. It’s Michelle again, now wearing a loose fitting halter top with Rob still shadowing her.
“You again?” I say, staring down her blouse.
“That’s right, and I just wanted to let you know that I’m pregnant. And it’s your baby!”
“No it’s not. That’s impossible.”
“What? You’re having her baby?” Rob interrupts.
“No I’m not.”
“I can’t believe you’d impwegnate my future wife!”
“Your future wife! What’re you talking about,” I scream.
“It’s not impossible you jerk. Haven’t you ever heard of the immaculate conception?” she continues.
“Yeah,” Pacito interrupts. ”I was there.”
“No you weren’t,” I counter.
“Yes I was! I saw it all, Bradshaw’s pass and Franco Harris, scooping the football up right before it was going to land on the astro-turf.”
“That’s the immaculate reception,” I correct him.
“Whatever. But I saw it numb nuts.”
“Fine,” I say, not wanting to disrupt the air of love surrounding us.
“Psst, Mr. Attola,” I hear and turn the other way, trying to ignore my groupie, and meet the eyes of an undersized security guard.
“Yes?”
“We need to evacuate you. Right now!”
“But why?”
“Because we’ve had a report that someone’s planted a suitcase nuke.”
“What? Why?”
“To blow you up!”
“Hey, that’s my job,” my groupie interrupts.
“It’s not that kind of blow,” I correct her.
“You’d better watch it,” Rob stares at me. ”I’d better not catch you with my beautiful wife.”
“She’s not your wife!”
“Maybe not. But some day.”
“What about blowing?” Pacito, ears ever open, adds.
“We have a bomb scare Mr. Jones. We need to evacuate the entire building, immediately!”
“Oh shit!” is all Pacito can say.
“What’re we going to do now?” I ask.
“We’re bringing in the dogs. But you need to leave,” the security guard tells me, as I notice that his holster’s dragging along the floor, bulldozing up a little pile of dust bunnies.
So we’re quickly escorted through the throng of little people until we reach the back exit and Pacito’s limo.
“What about the rest of the people?” I ask.
“Oh no need to worry, we’re going to make an announcement in a few moments. Believe me we’ve been through this before, what with 911 and all. Don’t worry. We’ll get everyone out in an orderly fashion.”
Then I hear the announcement and afterward, just like the security guard had predicted, there’s silence as all the attendees look at each other, eyes wide open.
“See? Nothing to worry about here,” the security guard confidently says.
Then like a stampede of wild longhorns pushing and smashing into each other as they thunder down the old dusty main street, the crowd of people hurtle their bodies toward the nearest exit.
“So much for an orderly evacuation,” I whisper to the security guard.
“God, you really are a jerk, aren’t you,” he replies, as Pacito emphatically nods his head.
Suddenly I see two German shepherds head for Pacito’s limo. They walk around, sniff a bit, walk and sniff some more. Then one of them begins to bark and bark and bark some more. They’ve found something.
Quickly we run over to Pacito’s limo, following the security guards who rifle through the immaculate limo. There, behind the driver’s seat’s a metal brief case, and it has a steady red blinking light peering though the top, next to the right latch.
“Oh shit! Where’d that come from?” Pacito yells.
“It’s not yours?” I ask.
“Of course not. Think I’d ever be caught with an aluminum brief case. Uh uh, only leather for me.”
“That’s the bomb!” one of the security guards yells, seeing the dogs continue to sniff and act agitated.
“I need everyone to back away. The bomb squad’ll be here shortly,” the guard continues.
“Screw them! I know what to do. I’ll diffuse it,” Pacito informs us.
“You can’t do that!” I protest.
“Sure I can. I did this once in a movie.”
“Hey, I wemember seeing it,” Rob adds.” You were playing a CIA opewative who specializes in micwo electwonics!”
“That was a movie!” I scream.
“So what! It was a true life action adventure,” Pacito argues.
“It was still a movie!”
“What, now you’re saying that the writing was unbelievable? That the technical advisor didn’t know what he was talking about?”
“Yes! That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
“God Parc, so much for the freedom of ideas.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about your lack of knowledge when it comes to diffusing a real bomb!”
“You worry too much. Now get me clean towels and as much hot water as you can.”
“That’s for delivering a baby!”
“Oh yeah, that’s right. Just kidding,” Pacito says to me, smiling his overly confident smile. ”Then get me a screw driver, pliers and wire cutters.”
“How about a priest also.”
“Screw you Parc. Can’t you see that this is my big chance to be a hero?”
I should have known as another guard hands Pacito the requested tools.
I watch Pacito climb into the back and toss the metal brief case onto the black leather seat.
“What the hell are you doing?” I scream.
“Hey, don’t worry, numb nuts. I’m sure this bomb doesn’t have a motion trigger.”
“How do you know?”
“Cause it would’ve already blown up, dip wad.”
“Oh,” I say, realizing that Pacito may be right.
“Okay, give me the screw driver,” Pacito orders, and then proceeds to stab, scratch and bang at the latches as I debate weather I should flee to safety and then realize there is no safe place, it’s a nuclear bomb!
Finally Pacito jimmies open the brief case.
“What’d you see?” I quickly ask.
“Made in China! Jeez those Chinese are into everything these days!”
“Okay, what else?”
“Oops, I’m sorry, the circuit boards were made in Korea. Man, isn’t it great how the world’s getting smaller and smaller, manufacturing speaking.”
“Jesus Christ, who cares about global trade? Just diffuse the damn thing.”
“Parc, cool it. You know, this is just like when I was in that movie I told you about. It was called ‘The Big Bang’. Catchy name, don’t you think?”
“Hey Pacito, can I help?” Rob, now standing behind me, asks.
“Sure, you’ll be my assistant. Just hand me the tools when I ask for them.”
“Okay, it’ll be just like we’re in an opewating woom,” Rob smiles.
“Oh brother!” I add, rolling my eyes.
“Okay, I’ve found the wires,” Pacito continues. ”Wipe.”
“What do you mean, wipe?” Rob asks.
“Wipe my forehead you numb nuts. Can’t you see how stressed yet cool I am?”
“You haven’t even broken a sweat?” I complain.
“Pawc, can’t you see Pacito’s method acting; twying to get back into chawacter? Now leave him alone and hand me a towel.” Rob protests.
“I don’t have one.”
“Will a towelette work?” Michelle asks.
“Who cares about a towelette?” I scream then realize I’ve hurt her feelings. So I grab the moist white wipe from Michelle’s out stretched hand and hand it to Rob who immediately hands it to Pacito who then drags it across his forehead, acting as if sweat was pouring off him like so much rain water. What a ham!
“Okay, I’ve got the wires,” Pacito continues, after handing the wipe back to Rob. ”Let’s see, there’s the red one, the black one and a red and black one. Oh damn!”
“What’d you say?” I immediately ask.
“I said oh damn.”
“No, something about a red and black wire?”
“Oh yeah, seems like we’ve got an issue.”
“Pacito,” Rob interrupts.” You’re looking at this the wong way. Why, this isn’t an issue, it’s an oppowtunity for success!”
“That’s right Pacito,” Michelle adds. ”Think positively!”
“Oh my God! It’s a bomb people, not a Tony Robbins convention!” I scream.
“Shut up! Can’t you see I’m trying to work here?” Pacito replies. ”Now give me the wire cutters, stat!”
“Oh Dr. Kildare, Dr. Kildare, your needed in surgery, stat,” I add, trying to be funny, and don’t succeed.
“What wire are you going to cut?” Rob asks, as he slams the wire cutters into Pacito’s outstretched hand.
“The red one, of course. Wipe!”
“Why not the wed and black one?” Rob continues, as he hands Pacito another towelette.
“Man, don’t you know anything? It’s always the red wire,” Pacito answers.
“But in ‘The Big Bang’ you cut the gween wire.”
“There is no green wire!” I scream.
“Well, if there’s no green wire, how can he cut it,” Michelle asks.
“I think you should cut the wed and black wire,” Rob continues.
“I’d like to hear your rationalization,” Pacito says, sitting back on the black leather seat, getting comfortable.
“Well, let’s look at this fwom a pwobability stand point. There thwee wires so that means there’s a one thiwd chance of picking the correct wire. Now, since the thiwd wire is both wed and black and there’s a fifty pewcent chance that the wed or black color is cowect, by cutting the wed and black wire, you incwease your odds of being cowect to, let’s see, what’s one thiwd times fifty times fifty?”
“One hundred and thirty three and an third,” Michelle answers.
“Michelle, I think I love you! That’s wight. See its simple pwobability,” Rob confidently says.
“So by your calculations we have over one hundred percent confidence that the red and black wire is the right one?” I roll my eyes. ”What an idiot!”
“Who you calling idiot, you wetawd!” Rob roars.
“Yeah, leave him alone,” Michelle screams, right before kicking me in my shins.
“Okay, I’m cutting the red and black wire,” Pacito says, as he slips the opened-jaws of the wire cutter around the target of everyone’s angst.
“Wait!” I scream. ”Pacito, are you sure about this?”
“Too late. I’ve already cut it.”
“You what?”
“Hey, the red blinking light isn’t blinking anymore,” Pacito confidently says.
“You did it!” I scream.
“Yes, I did. Hey, now there’s a green light blinking. Wonder what that means?”
“Green light? Green means go you idiot,” I protest.
“That’s ac-tour,” Pacito replies.
“I didn’t call you a movie star.”
“Oh sorry, just habit I guess. So which one should I cut now?”
“The red wire!” all three of us scream in unison.
“Man, that’s so cliché! How about the black one? Wipe!”
“Cut the damn red one!” I scream again.
“Jeez Parc, you really know how to take all the fun out of it,” Pacito says. ”Okay, cutting the red one.”
Snip!
“Hey, now the green light’s not blinking!” Pacito informs us.
“You’ve saved our lives,” Michelle screams. ”I want to have your baby!”
“I thought you were having my baby?”
“I lied.”
“But, I want your baby!” Rob adds, placing his gorilla arm around her.
“Okay. You win, you big brute,” as Michelle turns and they embrace.
“God, can we leave now?” I ask.
“Sure,” the security guard says. “We’ve got to process the briefcase for forensics anyway.”




