Boop… Beep… Boop… Beep…
In attendance:
CIA Representative: Code Name – Mary Jane (MJ) DEA Representative: Code Name – Crystal Method (CM)
(LL-Z) Okay, can I have your attention, people… can I have your attention – PLEASE! Okay, that’s better. First of all, I want to thank each of you for being here today, at the CTU. We’ve got a number of issues that need to be addressed. The first is that we’ve been directed to no longer use the word “terrorist.”
(MJ) But why?
(LL-Z) Because the President feels it’s insulting to the terrorists. He believes that this change will be seen as a first step in his approach of constructive engagement. So, from now on, we'll refer to that word as the T-word.
(TG) F-bomb’ing great! Bunch of F-bomb’ing R-word’s!
(LL-Z) …Okay, okay… anyway we need some suggestions to replace the T-word, operationally.
(CM) How about fundamentalist?
(MJ) No, not all T-words are fundamentalists.
(CM) Good point. Okay than, how about radical?
(LL-Z) That’s not bad. What do the rest of you think?
(TG) I think this is a waste of F-bomb’ing time, bunch of F-bomb’ing R-word’s.
(MJ) I take offense to that term?
(TG) F-bomb’ing or R-word?
(MJ) No, radical. I was a radical in college, as were most of the people in this administration. Don’t you think they might find it offensive too? I mean their hero’s are Saul Alinsky.and Bill Ayers.
(CM) I’ve got it! Revolutionary!
(LL-Z) Yes! I like it.
(MJ) Me too! What about you TG?
(TG) I think this is a stupid, F-bomb’ing exercise conducted by a bunch of F-bomg’ing R-words.
(LL-Z) …Okay than… so we’ll go with revolutionary, a good choice, if I do say so. And this works well with our second directive, to move away from acronyms to acro-words.
(MJ) Acro-words?
(LL-Z) That’s right. You all know how we can’t operate without our acronyms. Got to have’em, you know, else chaos would rein supreme. So, in order to improve efficiency of communication, we’ve also been directed to convert all our acronyms to acro-words. So, for example, CTU now becomes Counter Revolutionary Unit or "CRU"! See? Not only is it more efficient, we save two utterances, and, even better, we also cut down on green house gases!
(CM) Wow!
(MJ) What a great approach! I can see real value in these directives!
(TG) What a bunch of F-bomb’ing R-words…
(LL-Z) …Okay then… now that that’s out of the way, we also need to do something about homicide bomber.
(MJ) But, I thought we already did? We changed it from the S-word bomber to homicide bomber.
(LL-Z) That’s right. And that was a good start. But now we must address the word “bomber,” which, from here on out will be referred to as the B-Word.
(CM) But why?
(LL-Z) Well, the union, SEIU, has lodged a complaint on behalf of exterminators, who they represent..
(MJ) But, I still don’t understand.
(LL-Z) Exterminators are often referred to as bombers because of their use of bug bombs.
(TG) Oh brother, F-bomb’ing R-words!
(LL-Z) …Okay then… so let’s hear some suggestions. Remember we also need to comply with the acro-name directive too. Gotta save the planet, you know!
(CM) How about human explosion?
(LL-Z) That’s not bad. But it doesn’t really convey the act of B-word’ing.
(MJ) I’ve got it! Human explosive device!
(CM) Hey, I like that! It’s similar to IED.
(LL-Z) Which, by the way, is being changed to Digital Improvised Explosive Device or DIED, because IED’s no longer use an analogue detonator, and it meets the acro-word directive.
(CM) Again, we saved two utterances and the environment!
(MJ) Sure does feel good to fight the T-word’s, uh, I mean revolutionaries, and save the environment too!
(TG) Bunch of F-bomb’ing R-words!
(LL-Z) …Okay then… so, we’re back to homicide B-word’s.
(MJ) I’ve got it! Since human explosive device doesn’t truly convey the activity. How about self actuated human explosive devices, or SAHEDs?
(LL-Z) Not bad. But SAHED doesn’t really roll off the tougue.
(CM) Let’s hyphenate self actuated. Then we’d have SHED!
(MJ) Can we do that?
(LL-Z) Of course we can. We’re the Government! We can do anything! Besides, nobody really understands the rules of the English language anymore anyway, thanks to the NEA.
(CM) Goodie! This is fun! So, what’s next?
(TG) What a bunch of F-bomb’ing R-words!
(LL-Z) …Okay then… we’re done with that. Next on the agenda is the plan to use dope, pot, to make the T-words, I mean revolutionaries that are in training more susceptible to our policy of constructive engagement so that we can better conduct our OCOs. You know, open them up to the power of suggestion.
(MJ) Uh, I suggest we change Overseas Contingency Operations to Contingency Operations Overseas, or "COO"s, with a long U. You know, like a Dove coos."
(LL-Z) Yes, excellent suggestion! OCO is now a "COO"!
(CM) What about MCDs, Man Caused Disasters? Are we still using that term to describe a revolutionary attack?
(LL-Z) No, that’s been changed. Now only overseas revolutionary attacks are called MCDs, which has been changed to Revolutionary Activated Disaster, or RAD to remove the male bias as well as to meet the acro-name directive.
(CM) But then what are we going to call a revolutionary attack here in the US?
(LL-Z) A crime.
(CM) Oh, that’s right. Got it.
(LL-Z) Okay, let’s move on. We’ll circle back to Operation Tok’in Revolutionaries in our next meeting. So, the only thing we have left is to review is the investigation results from the last revolutionary "COO" with a long U.
(MJ) You mean the IV results?
(LL-Z) Yes, that’s right. Did everyone get a chance to review the IV results I put together?
(MJ) Ah, no... I was really swamped last night.
(CM) Me too! Wasn’t American Idol great?
(MJ) Did you see it too?
(LL-Z) Hey, I saw it too! Not a big deal. We’ll postpone this until our next meeting. Nothing’s going to happen over night anyway.
(TG) Bunch of F-bomb’ing R-words! I’m working with a bunch of F-bombing R-word’ed nursery-rhyming preschoolers!
(LL-Z) …Uh, okay then… so what’s on the agenda for tomorrow’s meeting?
(MJ) Mary’s dope for C-O-Os and Little Lambs-Z-IV.
(TG) What’d I just tell ya! Bunch of F-bomb'ing R-words!
(MJ) Umm, TG, you're not supposed to use the B-word...
Posts
